It’s true – I do over think things and I have done ever since I was little. I’ve always been this paranoid being that is constantly wondering what people are thinking about me – yes I know that sounds big-headed but I’ll explain.
When I was little – from the ages of like 6 or 7 to 10 or 11 – I had always been terrified of the dark. I say terrified of the dark but what I really mean is what is in the dark. I mean I’m still a little cautious now when the lights are off but when I was younger it was like my brain switched to ‘over-exaggerated scenario’ mode.
I went through these different phases over the years of what scared me – beginning with the usual monsters and ghosts, then to burglars, followed by fires and finally to murderers. I think I had a point in time where it was ghosts and murderers at the same time but I don’t know when that was.
I had nightmares about at least one of these things every night and struggled to go to sleep. I woke up covered in sweat in the dark, my heart pounding as I pulled the covers over my head and tried to fall back asleep. My parents had to keep reassuring me that nothing was going to happen whilst they were there, but it didn’t matter because I still felt the fear every time the lights went off.
I don’t know why these thoughts came over me at such a young age. I was literally scared of someone coming to murder me. Is that normal for a 9-year-old?
I remember at my primary school the firemen came to talk to us about what to do if there was a fire in your house and they told us if you were stuck in your room that you should climb up to your window and make as much noise as possible and wake up the neighbours so that they can call for help. I got in a panic then because I literally live on a fell with no neighbours to call for help. That’s what started the fire fear.
I couldn’t sleep. Even when I did, pictures of people being murdered appeared and I would start shaking and sweating and crying.
All that eventually left me – although my mind still sees an object in the dark and somehow my eyes see it move and I’m like ‘NAH I’M GOOD BRO’ then shut my eyes and sleep because sleep>death.
However, I’m still an overthinker. I am very body conscious and I always feel people are judging me. That’s why I freak out about the tiny things that aren’t meant to be freaked out about. For example, I hate being late because I hate having to walk into registration or my first lesson and everyone turns to stare at me. I don’t like being seen in the supermarket with my Mum after school in case someone sees me. I freaked out about how to wear my shoe laces for fucks sake. I think about my walk and my natural face position and where to look when I car is coming towards me and where to look when I person is walking towards me and all these little things that NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT.
I’m pretty sure I don’t have anxiety but I do over think things that don’t need to be over thought.
Sometimes I enjoy just not thinking at all.
Am I alone on this or does everyone think as far into things as I do? Does anyone have anxiety? or help that I might find useful to stop over thinking? Please comment, I’d love to hear your views!